“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy
I ask this to myself many times, after an encountered with a negative or difficult person.
How do you feel compassion for difficult people?
People who seem indignant, belligerent, intransigent, chronically critical of others, disrespectful, angry or all around rude.When someone with boundless negative energy repeatedly drains everyone around them, how do you maintain a sense of compassion without getting drawn into their doom? And how do you act in a way that doesn’t reinforce their negativity–and maybe even helps them?
Below is a list of 10 ways to deal with difficult people compassionately:
1. Resist the urge to judge or assume.
It’s hard to offer someone compassion when you assume you have them pegged. He’s a jerk. She’s a malcontent. He’s an–insert other choice noun. Even if it seems unlikely someone will wake up one day and act differently we have to remember it is possible. When you think negative thoughts, it comes out in your body language. Someone prone to negativity may feel all too tempted to mirror that. Try coming at them with the positive mindset you wish they had. Expect the best in them. You never know when you might be pleasantly surprised.
2. Dig deeper, but stay out of the hole.
It’s always easier to offer someone compassion if you try to understand where they’re coming from. But that can’t completely justify bad behavior. If you show negative people you support their choice to behave badly, you give them no real incentive to make a change (which they may actually want deep down). It may help to repeat this in your head when you deal with them: “I understand your pain. But I’m most helpful if I don’t feed into it.” This might help you approach them with both kindness and firmness so they don’t bring you down with them.
3. Maintain a positive boundary.
Some people might tell you to visualize a bright white light around you to maintain a positive space when other people enter it with negativity. This may not work for you because you may respond better to ideas in words than visualizations. So tell yourself this, “I can only control the positive space I create around myself.” Then when you interact with that person, try to do two things, in this order of importance:
– Protect the positive space around you. When their negative energy is too strong to protect your positive space, then you need to walk away.
– Help them feel more positive, not act more positive–which is more likely to create the desired result.
4. Disarm their negativity, even if it is just for now.
5. Temper your emotional response.
Negative people often gravitate toward others who react strongly–people who easily offer compassionate or get outraged, or offended. This tends to give them a little light in the darkness of their inner world–a sense that they’re not floating alone in their own anger or sadness. People remember and learn from what you do more than what you say. If you feed into the situation with emotions, you’ll teach them they can depend on you for a reaction. It’s tough not to react because we’re human, but it’s worth practicing. Once you’ve offered a compassionate ear for as long as you can, respond as calmly as possible with a simple line of fact. If you’re dealing with a rude or angry person, you may want to change the subject to something unrelated: “The weather is suppose to be amazing this weekend. Do you have any plans?”
6. Question what you’re getting out of it.
We often get something out of relationships with negative people. Get real honest with yourself: have you fallen into a caretaker role because it makes you feel needed? Have you maintained the relationship so you can gossip about this person with others? Do you have some sort of stake in keeping the things the way they are? Questioning yourself helps you change the way you respond–which is really all you can control. You can’t make someone think, feel, or act differently. You can be as kind as possible or as combative as possible, and still not change reality for someone else. All you can control is what you think and do–and then do your best to help them without hurting yourself.
7. Remember the numbers.
Research shows that people with negative attitudes have significantly higher rates of stress and disease. Someone’s mental state plays a huge role in their physical health. If someone’s making life difficult for people around them, you can be sure they’re doing worse for themselves. What a sad reality. That someone has so much pain inside them they have to act out just to feel some sense of relief–even if that relief comes from getting a rise out of people. When you remember how much a difficult person is suffering, it’s easier to stay focused on minimizing negativity, as opposed to defending yourself.
8. Don’t take it personally–but know sometimes it is personal.
Conventional wisdom suggests that you should never take things personally when you deal with a negative person. It can be a little more complicated than that. You can’t write off everything someone says about you just because the person is insensitive or tactless. Even an abrasive person may have a valid point. Try to weigh their comments with a willingness to learn. Accept that you don’t deserve the excessive emotions in someone’s tone, but weigh their ideas with a willingness to learn. Some of the most useful lessons learned came from people you wish weren’t right.
9. Act instead of just reacting.
Oftentimes we wait until someone gets angry or depressed before we try to brighten their spirits. If you know someone who seems to deal with difficult thoughts or feelings often, don’t wait for a situation to help them create positive feelings. Give them a compliment for something they did well. Remind them of a moment when they were happy–as in “Remember when you scored that touchdown during the company picnic? That was awesome!” You’re more apt to want to boost them up when they haven’t brought you down. This may help mitigate that later, and also give them a little relief from their pain.
10. Maintain the right relationship based on reality as it is.
This really works and it seems I often have plenty of practice with this. What a great learning experience…to be the opposite of the “difficult person” as much as possible and to be very aware when we are being just that person.:)
This is so true…to be mindful in both situations.